Hello Stark Industries
by stupidpenname
Summary: Pepper receives phone calls from her boss. A dialogue piece. Now updated.
1. Chapter 1

**AN: My muse hates me. It won't let me write anything on my other fandoms but keeps me up late at night to type out this. I have suddenly been flooded with this overwhelming urge for Ironman goodness. No idea what brought this on. Oh well, if you can't beat them.**

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'Hello Stark Industries.'

'Pepper! You're still there! Great! Excellent. I need a favour.'

'At eleven forty six at night, Mr Stark? Can't it wait until morning?'

'Well... technically it can, but I preferred you do it now.'

'It isn't one of _those_ favours is it?'

'I have no idea what you mean.'

'You know. Like the time I had to drive over to the French Embassy, so you could climb out of the Ambassador's wife's window and make a quick get away.'

'Nothing like that.'

'Or like the time you punched Christian Bale in the jaw and I had to smooth things over?'

'Hey, I never asked you to do that. Bale had it coming.'

'Mr. Stark, you didn't urinate on a public monument again, did you?'

'I already explained that one to you, Pepper. I was drunk.'

'I would hope so.'

'Look Pepper, I'm running out of quarters. I'm a _billionaire_ and I'm running out of _quarters._ Please could you just come and bail me out of this mess. Just once more?'

'Alright. Fine. What do you need me to do?'

'I just told you. I need you to come and bail me out. Literally. The Police Station on 150 North Los Angeles Street. Bring five thousand dollars.'

'_What_? Why? What did you do?'

'Pepper, I'll explain everything to you when you get here. But right now I need you to get in the car and drive. I'm sharing a cell with a guy called Spider and he seems _really _friendly.'

'Okay, I'm on my way.'

'Oh but wait! Pepper? Pepper?'

'Still here Mr. Stark.'

'Good. It's um... just... don't listen to the radio on your way over.'

'...Why not?'

'It's um... It's a little bit... The press may have gotten hold of some of the information. They've blown it completely out of proportion, I promise. Scouts honour.'

'You were never in the scouts.'

'Yes I was. For two weeks. They kicked me out after a small explosion incident. Jasper Bryson cried like a little girl but his eyebrows grew back fine...'

'You know, Mr. Stark, I _was_ planning on going over the budget for human resources tomorrow. In fact that's actually why I was staying here so late; to get everything else out of the way so I wouldn't have any unnecessary distractions. And now I find out all that work has been wasted because I have a sneaking suspicion this little excursion of yours is going to monopolise all my free time for the next three weeks.'

'Really? Then it sounds like I've just saved your from dying of boredom. It's the leading cause of death in attractive PA's since 1978. I'm thinking of starting a foundation...'

'I thought you were running out of quarters?'

'Spider's lending me some. I'm not sure what he wants in return. His intentions might not be completely noble.'

'Fine. I'm really on my way this time.'

'Okay. Great. I can't wait to see your smiling face. And Pepper? If you _do_ listen to the radio I just want you to know; they were all overage, the goat wasn't harmed in any way, the doctors said the Albanian burlesque-dancer will regain her hearing in a few days and the thing with the midgets makes complete sense when you put it in context.'

'...'

'Pepper?'

'Not even your own mother would blame me if I left you in there overnight, Mr. Stark. Or if I just left you there full stop.'

'C'mon Pepper. If I was left at the mercy of the Los Angeles Police Force permanently, who would take the time to make your life interesting?'

'Some people find car-accidents interesting.'

'Oh that reminds me...'


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: **Okay. I lied. Have another. Also I think it's fairly obvious that these two are pre movie. Have fun.

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'Hello Stark Industries.'

'What are you wearing?'

'Sweatpants. Slippers. An oversized T-Shirt that says "My boss is a walking sexual-harassment lawsuit."'

'You sexy minx.'

'What can I do for you Mr. Stark.'

'I'm shopping and I need a woman's opinion. Can you come down here?'

'Sorry, Mr. Stark. I have to have these memos done and sent out before I go home tonight. But I could give you advice over the phone if you want.'

'You can do both at the same time?'

'And drink my coffee.'

'I don't pay you enough.'

'Of that, I am well aware. What are you buying that needs a woman's opinion?'

'I want to get something that says "You're beautiful, you're smart, you're funny, and I want the deal between your father's company and mine to go smoothly. But please don't show up at my house wearing nothing but a trench-coat again."'

'Things not going so well with Don Kellar's daughter, I take it.'

'You could say things are going a little too well. She's always turning up at my place, popping into my office...'

'Why would she expect to find you there?'

'Funny Potts. Can I continue?'

'Sorry Mr. Stark. Go ahead.'

'I need to break it off quickly but in a friendly way. Otherwise I'm going to end up in one of those couples who have fondue nights and wear matching outfits.'

'I don't think you have the right hips for the dresses she wears.'

'Miss Potts, do you find this funny?'

'In ways you can't even imagine, Mr. Stark.'

'Okay. Fine. Mock the dashing, handsome man who signs your pay checks. Just tell me which is more I-like-you-now-go-away: flowers or jewellery?'

'You could go big and buy her and island. Then you could strand her there.'

'Tempting... Nah. She'll just reappear again in five years with a massive beard and an unhealthy attachment to a volley ball.'

'How about buying her a ticket to Paris for a week. She'll probably get the hint when you don't show up at the airport.'

'Ouch Pepper, that's harsh.'

'You've done that at least four times.'

'Twice. And both times you tore me a new one. What's the deal? Don't you like Christy?'

'Actually I think of all the women you've brought home she's the one with which you have the most in common.'

'What do you mean by that?'

'Who was her last boyfriend?'

'Um... I think he was an environmental lawyer. Chad or something'

'She goes out with an environmental lawyer when her dad owns one of the largest oil refineries outside of Saudi Arabia? What about the one before that?'

'I think he was the leader of the socialist party.'

'While Keller is a staunch Republican. And the one before that?'

'A hybrid-car engineer. What's your point?'

'Don't you think it's a tad suspicious that she only goes out with the men most likely to make her father crazy?'

'Wait... are you implying that Christy's only going out with me because she has Daddy issues? That she's using me for some sort of sick gratification?'

'Yes. Just like you have with every single woman in your life.'

'...That's kind of hot.'

'I'm hanging up now.'


	3. Chapter 3

'Hello, Stark Industries.'

'Pretend you're talking to me.'

'I am talking to you.

'Pretend your talking to me about a horrific tragedy.'

'And why would I do that, Sir?'

'To give me the excuse I need to get out of the world's most boring company dinner.'

'And, considering that I was the one who actually arrange said dinner, why do you think I would be the one to help you escape it.'

'Potts, I need out. Cormish is talking about his golf handicap. A handicap of six? What the hell does that mean? It doesn't sound very high.'

'It's not meant to be. Lower is better.'

'Well, I think he's pulling random numbers out of his whole-in-one.'

'That may be the worst golf related euphemism on the planet.'

'I'm sure he's making things up to try and sound impressive.'

'"Making things up"? Didn't you call me up to help you fake a disaster?'

'It's all about the context, Potts. I was thinking maybe we could say that one of the labs exploded…'

'Mr. Stark, go back to the dinner, sign the Georgia defence contract and skip desert. It will be three hours. Tops.'

'Okay, good plan, but I would like to tweak it a little, if you don't mind. How about _you_ negotiate the Georgia contact and I skip the entire meal.'

'Goodnight, Mr. Stark.'

'Potts, you can't leave me here. I'm pretty sure this dinner is one of the circles of hell described in Dante's _Inferno. _I've been here twenty minutes and I've already changed my stance on euthanasia. If Brooks mentions his cat's cold one more time, I will not have the willpower to stop my brain melting out my ears. Obadiah won't be pleased if the CEO of his company became a vegetable.'

'I'm not certain he'll be able to tell the difference, sir.'

'Such hostility, Potts. Is this aggression steaming from some sort of deep-seated childhood incident?'

'No, it's steaming from something a little more recent.'

'Such as?'

'The fact _I was_ meant to be at that dinner but, after the paparazzi caught you in that dumpster, I have been using all of my time trying to smooth things over with the shareholders.'

'Serious? You were meant to endure this agony on my behalf?'

'Yep. Bought a dress and everything.'

'Then why are you not in that dress in this restaurant stopping me from attacking Verne with a dessert fork? Get down here, Potts! That's an order.'

'An _order?_'

'Yes. I hear other bosses do it all the time.'

'…'

'Please.'

'I told you I have to fix this mess. Your mess. Ember magazine is leading with the headline _"From Dashing Daredevil to Dumpster Diver."'_

'Really? That's a bit overblown…'

'Mr. Stark…'

'I'm not a writer but I've have been told that you should "Always Avoid Alliteration."'

'Sir, I don't have time for this. I need to get back to work and you need to get back to that dinner.'

'Okay, okay, I'll compromise with you; you come down here and keep me sane, and I'll help you calm down with the shareholders with the famous Stark charm. We'll share the load.'

'…Really?'

'I would get on my knees and beg but you would have to take my word on that, since we're on the phone and all.'

'And by helping me you mean genuine help. Not the type of help where you sit beside me making quippy remarks while I do all the work?'

'Yes. It will be completely different to how I handled all my English assignments in high school. You on your way, Potts?'

'Let me get changed. Why were you even in a dumpster?'

'I would tell you but you wouldn't believe me.'

'C'mon. It can't be that weird.'

'Well… it involves a racoon and my Rolex.'

'I've changed my mind. I don't believe you.'


End file.
